September 30, 2011

Boundaries, a letter to my MIL

I felt that after being disrespected by my MIL in the past, that writing her a letter before they come for the holidays was necessary. In the past I have been pushed out of the way, ignored, and mistreated. Not only did I see it, but my best friend in GA saw it, the FRG leader saw it and others saw it as well. It was necessary to have boundaries set up since they have been ignored. Tell me what you think, it's already sent off & my husband read it and I called my parents to read it to them. So here it goes... _____ are the names blocked out 

As we're about to near deployment, there are something things I feel need to be discussed. T and I have discussed things and whether or not he has brought them up to you is one thing, but they must be discussed.

For a few months now T and I have been discussing boundaries. With the baby on the way, and the past not going very well with our boundaries being known. The entire deployment thing really got me thinking about this subject. I felt disrespected when T was discussing the deployment time frame and didn't even get to finish before you stated you were leaving on the XXth. When visiting us, I would appreciate it if you would respect us and what either him or I are saying. If it doesn't work with your plans then maybe putting your visit off until after deployment so it works with you. Since we were asking if you could move your visit earlier, and it didn't work with you when we do find out the date it needs to work with us, not just you. I understand you would like to see your son before he leaves, and it's important to both of us to spend time with him before he leaves. But he needs to spend time with his wife before he leaves, the house needs to be prepared for the baby and the marriage needs to find strength to get through this deployment. It's necessary T spends time with me before he leaves, when he comes home our lives will be changed.

Another thing that I want to discuss, and was planning on discussing it during your visit along with my parents was the military and our life. We have also discussed that army events, such as deployments, R&R, homecomings and any other military events are to be between T and I along with our children. It's important for T to get reconnected with his wife and child, and these are the times necessary to do so. I understand in the past you have been at those events, but since T is now married it's important it's between us.

I am not pushing you away from your son, but I am setting the boundaries that have not been set. I would appreciate if you would respect them. We are trying to have a strong marriage but the military and arguing about the fact boundaries are not being set or respected is making things complicated.

Holidays, are important for all of us to be around family. Since the military adds challenges to the holiday traditions we have set up a "rotation" that works for us. Since rotating between just you and my family won't work since that leaves us no Holidays together, we have decided that we will rotate every 3 years. So that allows you time with us one year, my parents another and just T and I alone one year so we can start our own traditions amongst ourselves. We feel that this is fair so everyone gets holidays together, and get to see family.

T has read this letter, and agrees with what I am saying. Please don't take this offensively but take it as trying to communicate what is necessary for us to have an understanding of our boundaries. We do understand that things are different with ______ and _______ but things are different when the Military is involved.

Thank you for reading this,

Cassandra & T


  1. Wow, I imagine it wasn't easy to have to write that letter :/ I'm sorry your relatonship with your MIL has been tough. My husband and I have been having to set boundaries recently too, especially because everyone wants to come visit once our baby is born, but we both want time (especially the holidays) for just us. My MIL wants to come down twice before the end of the year and I'm like ummm, no. It's not easy for our families to understand...

  2. Well, it definitely sounds like setting those boundaries upfront was a good idea! And it's great that your husband backs you up as well :) I hope your MIL respects your wishes because you and your husband absolutely need to be focusing on each other before he leaves. Good luck!!


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