February 23, 2011

Detox 2x & Big News

So its been about a week 1/2 or something since I've been off my medications, and I'm feeling great! Today I had physical therapy and was in NO pain. I haven't been in no pain in years, I can't even remember the last time I wasn't in pain. So detox is going great with the medication situation Since I'm doing so well with my medication detox, I've decided to also detox for weight loss.

Since being on so much medications, my weight has gone up to 160. I'm not fat, or overweight but I'm the heaviest I've ever been. Granted I'm 5'9 and have no clue where the weight is (probably my thighs and butt)... but I decided it was necessary to get back to my healthy self. I started detox today and will be detoxing for 7 days. I found some pills that got excellent ratings for detox that allow you to eat healthy, take the pills and drink tons of water. (I'm not about to starve myself).

Other than the two different detoxes my husband and I sat down to discuss kids. We decided that after the results of my one month heart monitor that if everything looks good, then we are going to try for kids. Which means that by the end of March, we will more than likely be trying to expand our family (and not by animals this time).

I told my mom today about it, and couldn't tell if she was excited or upset. I'm not sure if I am supported by my family with the decision of kids, but at this point after being married for a year and some months, we feel its the right time. Our marriage is better than its been and the timing is perfect. If we do get pregnant by March or April, my husband would be there for the entire pregnancy and the first year of the baby's life. Which means ALOT to me.

So that's the news as of now :)

"Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men."  - Colossians 3:23
Holmand CSB

February 21, 2011

Epidurals, Physical therapy and work

Well, I quit my job at the crap call center. I made it a week (basically training) at the call center and decided I hated it. Other than that I went today for a follow up at my pain doctor, which I was horrified to tell him that I took my self off the medications. He wasn't to mad he just told me the reason I'm going through so much withdrawal is because I did it "cold turkey", which I've heard wasn't a good idea. (Hence my severe panic attacks, heat and cold spells, and all the crap depression that comes with taking yourself off medications.

Anyways, my doctor suggested doing another epidural for the pain and took me off all the medications and only put me on a anti-inflammatory and a pain pill. Thankfully he was understanding in my reasoning and wasn't to upset. My husband came with me so it was nice for him to be apart of the appointment. (he's usually pretty good about that).

As for everything else, right now I'm sick to my stomach and nauseous unable to keep anything down. Which is never good on my end, because when I'm sick I'm sick and it lasts forever...

I still don't have to many friends here at Benning and I'm starting to get used to it. I've learned that my blogosphere friends are more supportive anyways, which to me is important. I don't want fake people in my life, nor do I want to waste the time. We have about 7 more months in Georgia then were off to Alaska. I'm hoping to have more of a life in Alaska although to me its like an oxymoron. I want to go back to work, and probably will go back to my old job at the loan office. I enjoyed working with military every day, and I enjoyed the people I worked with. Especially my manager because he had faith in me and let me run the office.

Tomorrow I have another doctor appointment (I really don't know for what), and physical therapy. I'm trying to get my Avon up and running still so I usually leave books at the offices I go to. I haven't been full force for Avon yet, and I'm just allowing who ever orders to order, I'm trying not to push.

Does anyone have ideas how to get my Avon up and running?

February 20, 2011

Withdrawal & Nonsense

So, it's been around a week since being of my medication, and when I say medication that's around 15 different medications. So if you ever had withdrawal symptoms it's awful. The main symptoms I'm experiencing major panic attacks, paranoia, hot spells then chills, and severe depression. It's been a rough week, and I did take a job at a collections agency but I hated it and ended up quitting. I had the support of my parents and husband but some of my friends got upset about it for G-d knows what reasons. My husband is working for the next 24 hours, so I've been going through living hell with out him today. I feel so alone and lost, and horrified with out him here while I'm going through this. Thankfully my mom is to the rescue again as usual, and is flying out here next week to help me through this. Were not sure how long it's going to be like this, and well on top of it all I have a heart monitor on. But this time its not for 24 hours but a month. The Doctors don't know whats wrong with my heart so they are monitoring it for a month.

With everything about my health going so bad, my emotional state is at a low. I'm still taking my anti-depressants and heart medication but everything else is now gone! I'm feeling lost and confused and so alone. I'm so thankful my mom is coming out to help me.

This blog was just a bunch of venting, so I apologize if it was just randomness.

February 13, 2011

10 % OFF



February 12, 2011

Rant with NO rave

As I am sitting here with tears falling down my face after yet another fight with my husband, I wonder why I'm so upset. Granted he had CQ last night, and hes sick but that is no reason to disrespect me, yell at me and put me down. It seems as if we are always fighting. It's either about chores or money, but mostly its about the money. I have done everything in my power and put effort into trying to fix our marriage. After a year of begging he finally agreed to see a marriage counselor.

But this isn't about putting him down or making it about him. This blog is about me, and what I feel. So right now, I feel worthless, disrespected, alone and hurt. I called my best friend, my mom and cried to her about it. As it seems she agrees that "he works so much, or he's sick" so he should get out of chores. Well I'm sick of picking up after him.

I tried to talk to him about relatives coming to visit us, and that we needed to work on our marriage to get stronger. He flipped saying he's a family man. Apparently his wife isn't his family, because that's just about how he made it seem.

He doesn't think we should be saving money, he doesn't think its fair that I have another account and he doesn't think its fair he doesn't do anything. Well here's my opinion. Screw that shit! I will put money into savings, I will continue to have another account because he has acted stupidly with finances and I'm not going to get taken down with him. And no one told him not to go out or do stuff, so please I beg of him... Enough of the bull shit.

His temper is worse, it scares me. He doesn't communicate, so we get no where with "conversations" because hes to busy yelling, and putting me down. I'm sorry the 1 day he is home that the kitchen isn't sparkling clean. But seriously.... I am over it.

When your mom is actually scared for your marriage, you know its not a good one.

Honestly, I am scared. What if this doesn't work. What am I going to do, where am I going go and how am I going to do it. I moved across the country for this man I barely knew, and now as the days go by, his temper is worse, his communication is non-existent, and his responsibility for money is pathetic. Why should he control our finances when he had collections, and just shoved bills into drawers or had late payments before I got here..

So yes, maybe this did turn into a rant.. But i needed a friend and my blog seems to be the one I go to.

February 10, 2011

Back to Work in Finances

I did it, after completely spamming out my resume and applying to every job possible I got a job. Interesting enough its with finances again, although my previous job was giving out loans, this job is collecting on loans and credit.

It was necessary for me to get a job to help pay for the finances in our household, with two cars, a mortgage, and debt galore, but thankfully we have two amazing families that have helped us out this year tremendously.
In the past few months we were able to pay off 1/2 our debt and get back on track with payments. Now with my new job making the same as my previous job, well be back on track to pay off all our debt (using the snow ball effect).

In seven months we will be moving across the country to Alaska, and most likely be stationed there for 2 years. Neither of our cars are equipped for weather like that, or have any type of snow "attire". We discussed that we will be selling his car (again) or trading it in to get an SUV. Why an SUV you ask? We have 3 dogs, 1 cat and hopefully within a the next 2 years a baby on the way. And I'm terrified to drive in snow in a small car, not because of me but because of everyone else. (I'm a baby what can I say).

Having this job, and bills paid down will allow us to get better financing on the SUV and have an opportunity to put money into savings for things down the road and an emergency fund.

I never thought I would be into finances, since after high school I went to beauty school and worked in the entertainment industry as a makeup artist. But now I have a passion for finances, and love working with numbers. Am I brilliant with numbers, no. But I can learn damn fast and with passion, persistence and hard work it all works out.

In a few days we will also be receiving a large amount of money from taxes, and family to help us even more with the debt. I am glad to say we are on our way to a debt free life and can support each other with love and kindness and not have the stress of finances tearing us apart.

Other updates:
The husband will be re-enlisting soon.
I start training on Valentines Day (not like my husband will be getting me anything as usual).
Avon is harder than I thought, and would LOVE if people would order from my site. It will be directly shipped to you, and there is 100% full guarantee so if you are unhappy you can send it back.

Also, in March we have both of our families visiting and will be attending the second to last graduation my husband will be in (he's a drill sergeant). After that is June where my biological family is driving from NY to visit, meet my husband and to see the graduation as well.

What I haven't figured out is how is my job, his job and our families all going to work out? And how will we entertain them when neither of us are home.

February 9, 2011

Volunteering shouldn't be this hard

After having a complete breakdown last night about finances, my marriage and the in-laws, I stayed up half the night with stomach problems, and shooting pains in my sides. I also read almost all my book last night. I finished it today.

I started to every morning write a list of things that need to get done that day, and go about my day usually starting at 5:30 or 6am. I got to finish my book, and relax a bit but then started getting frustrated with finances again so I e-mailed my mother in law all the information regarding my husbands accounts per the agreement last night (she would help pay down his stupidity debt and help us out), since by the way her son has been lying to me constantly.

Anyways I went to the orientation for the Big Brother Big Sister organization to learn about helping children and mentoring them. But of course with my luck I can't sign on as a volunteer because they want a 1 year commitment, and I cant give them that since we are moving in 7 months to Alaska. Needless to say, I was extremely bummed because I was looking forward to volunteering, having a happiness project and getting out in the community.

I'm going to continue looking for more volunteer organizations, preferably they would tell me on the phone they request a 1 year contract; but I want to volunteer, and I want to., NEED TO find a JOB like NOW. I still haven't heard back from any of the jobs I applied for ( the 40 something I did send out resumes to), and I didn't hear back from any of the roommate people after I sent them e-mails back. UGH.

Good news of the day!
1. I took my puppy to get his shots so his updated!
2. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist (for next week ugh!)
3. I finished my book
4. I got another order for Avon from a co-worker!
5. My mom ordered more stuff so it looks like on the Lead Rep End that I'm doing well.

Now, I'm going to try my shot at yoga, make dinner for my invisible husband, and read a new book about finances. Also take another seminar on Avon. Hopefully this will all relax me, since my xanax ran out and it's been anxiety attack central in this house.

Thanks for listening, xoxo

February 8, 2011

Life Lessons

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.
-Reba McEntire
I absolutely love this quote from Reba, I think its so perfect and to the point. Life is about wishing, hoping and praying for the best, but you got to keep your head up, and a strong backbone so you don't get walked all over... But in the end, sometimes you just gotta let loose, laugh it up and enjoy it because every time your sad is just moments of your life wasted away.

Today was a rough day, I'm having a hard time trying to launch my Avon Campaign and with no money for gas I really couldn't go out and try to "promote" my line. I spoke with my lead representative and we decided were going to do like a "coming out"/ "grand opening" party at my house. And what's this for? So everyone can test out the products, see what its about, and enjoy food, wine and AWESOME people.

Anyways, today.. We both had a rough day because we're both sick with private crud (GROSS), so were both cranky, and sick. He worked all day, I worked on looking for a job, setting up my campaign, and read. I also tried to rest off my crappy feeling of sickness. Marriage counseling tonight went horrible, imagine to cranky, emotional, sick and overwhelmed people in a tiny room with a silent therapist.. Oh geeze.

I'm afraid that he thinks I won't be able to handle military life, when that's not the case at all. He says I won't be able to handle deployments, and ect. But its not the military life, its the marriage. We need to fix our communication together, and bring the love we have for each other to be our main focus. My best friend made me realize its not HIS debt or MY debt, its OUR debt, and we have to start thinking that way.
(Sometimes I don't know what I would do with out Dana)...

I've also started ACTIVELY looking for roommates (2), and got a few responses today but it seems like so many of the sites want money, and they won't be receiving that from us! I'm just looking for someone to fill the rooms for 6 months before we leave so we can make some extra cash, pay down debt and be prepared for Alaska's complete different atmosphere.

Lastly, I signed up for a book club on Tuesday nights and Bible Study Saturdays at 5pm. I'm so proud of my self for opening my eyes to a new universe through a different point of view that was meant to be. Now everyone tells me to believe in God, but when I'm hitting the floor more and more I wonder when will I get brought back up. With my heath, a job, finances, my marriage and gaining friendships.

A Prayer I found offline:
O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers.
I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being.
O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.
O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.

February 7, 2011

Jobs, Money & PCS

Today has been a tough day for us, especially physically. I'm down to twice a week for physical therapy for my neck, but now they think there's also problems with my shoulder as well. But anyways, I've been applying for jobs non-stop, and of course somehow I got denied a job at Best Buy, seriously?? BEST BUY?! Ugh, maybe I was to good for them, but that shows you how desperate I am for a job. Actually, the fact I have almost stalked my old boss for my job back shows how desperate I am. I haven't heard from any of the employers I've applied for, which is discouraging. Also, my Avon launch isn't going as good as I was hoping... I got two orders so far, and they are both from people I know.. :/

Today I found out that I was getting a extremely nice gift for my birthday, to help pay down debt. So, being the OCD self I am, I sat down called all the credit card companies asked for the balances, typed out an excel worksheet then made a chart using word, actually two charts. 1 with percentage, and 1 with actual dollar amounts. And tried to figure out the best way to pay stuff down, but for some reason I kept going to my husbands stuff AGAIN. I've already put my money into paying off his debt, so this time I think its fair for me to use the money to pay MY debt off. Am I being selfish? I've already paid off 4 of his cards and none of mine.

Anyways, he goes in this week or something like that for re-enlistment, and hopefully well get a decent bonus to help with finances as well. Also, were looking for two roommates to rent out the two rooms we have open for 5 months, just to help us save up some money for the PCS, and getting a new SUV. We are just trying to make the money we can while we can, and to save what we can for the future PCS and SUV purchase.

The main things I want in the next 6 months or sooner.
1. Get at least 1 roommate for 500/ month
2. Pay off 3 credit cards
3. Get a job!!
4. Have the disability claim completed!
5. Help my best friend decorate her room for her new addition!
6. Get at least 10 Avon Orders
7. Get off at least 6 medications
8. Figure out my back problems
9. Go to the orthopedist for my mri results and have them be good!
10. Yard Sale to get rid of the stuff we don't want, use or need!

Please help spread the world about my Avon launch, you can order directly online and it will be shipped directly to your house, and it's all done online so you don't have to give out your credit card number or anything of that sort.
Here's the link.. Please SHOP away with great prices, amazing products, and even better sales ..

Thanks for listening to my randomness!

February 6, 2011

Church x 2 and moving on

I know I'm lagging on the blogging, but it's been a crazy past month. I actually missed 2 appointments, therapy and a pre-op for sinus surgery because I've been so out of it. With the 17, yes 17 medications I have been taking my mind is seriously in a world of it's own. Last night, I spoke with my husband about the medications, and just how they are making me so out of it. I know he doesn't understand how I feel, or what type of disgusting funk these pills are putting me in, but he's been there, and that's what means the most to me.
Also last night, I saw the Church his mom suggested to us a year ago, and asked my husband to drag his sick butt out with my sick butt (were both sick with bad colds)to that church to see what they're about.

Church # 1: Cascade Hills Baptist Church Saturday Night Service
The main focus for their new focus for February was "Connecting with God". They discussed the best time to pray, (morning), and what prayer does ( connects you with God, brings you answers, and gives your spiritual strength). They discussed the power of fasting and prayer, and the burden that will be lifted after the process.

Church # 2: MyChurch (the one we usually go to)Sunday Service
At our church, their focus was concluding "From Here to There", and Week 5 was "Physical Life". They asked us to think about what we want to do, then to do it. (STOP THINKING AND DO IT!).
1. Corinthians 6: 19-20 - Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
1. Think of how to honor God with your body.

2. Develop a Battle Plan/ Action Plan. (Think of steps to achieve your goals)

3. Get into Relationships. (Somebody who will support or help you).

Moving On
Now with all the church stuff being said, lets discuss moving on.
A while back I posted a blog, from what I remember in NY when I met my biological family. I was describing my biological family, and used the word "adoptive" parents to explain and make it clear. Using the word adoptive, was not to be taken in negative from just for complete understanding.

Some might question and still dwell on the word "adoptive" but I need it to be said that it was not meant to be negative in any way. Now, I shouldn't have to defend myself on my blog, but I don't want the person thinking about the word negatively to hurt. Why because it's my mom.. I hate that she thinks I meant it negatively or took it negatively, when I was just putting it into writing perspective.

Here's my input, and last word on the subject of biological family and adoptive family, they are just words.
My biological family is now a part of my life, I am thankful for my biological mom for not aborting me, and giving me a good life by putting me in the right peoples hands. And I am even more thankful and grateful for my parents, yes my parents, the people that have raised me and been there for good bad and ugly. Through all my medical problems, emotional breakdowns, and temper tantrums. I am thankful for both families, and find that I am appreciative for the lives they both provided. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my biological mother, and I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for my parent's that raised me into a woman, a wife, sister and daughter.

I hope that everyone including my parents, family, friends, and blogging buddies understand that I did not mean to hurt anyone, and that I am sorry for hurting my parent's feelings. I am crushed that this has still gone on, and hasn't been crushed. So here I am, speaking out and now moving on. I can't dwell on the past, after conversations consisting of screaming, tears and hateful words.

I will be the adult I am, and I am publicly apologizing to my parents. But at this point, I will continue to blog and I will continue to try to keep the context into descriptive terms without hurting people's feelings. I don't want people hurt by what I am saying.

Thanks everyone for reading my blog, I would appreciate some input, comments or advice..


February 4, 2011

It's Been How Long?!

It's been a while since Iv blogged, and even logged on. I have been in a depressive funk, with my emotions up and down. A lot has happened since I've blogged last and I'll update you all on it now.
In the last two weeks, I went on two interviews:

Interview 1: A company that was "nooked" between two ENORMOUS stores, and its honestly just a door, with a small sign on it. But when you walked in, it was enormous. They worked for ADT, and wanted me to do sales. I am not a sales person (well get on to that topic later that I did take a sales position elsewhere).  But they said they will call me when the customer service manager returns. (I still haven't been called, its been a week 1/2).

Should I still expect a call and stay positive or start to think I wasn't right for their position?

Interview 2: Call center, out past my church in industrial/ distribution center. It's a third party call center, and it is an hourly job with bonus. :) I like Bonuses! Anyways the interview went great, and I actually got to follow up with her the next day at a Job Fair. (I was there for other reasons) but she said they are calling my references and are thinking about putting me into their next training session.

New Side Job/ Project:
Yes, I am now an Independent Sales Representative for Avon. I have a link on my blog homepage that says "BUY NOW" if your interested. I hope you are because the finances in my household are calling for cosmetic, skincare, accessory, or hair junkies to buy from me. If you head to the link you can order directly from my site and it will ship for free to your location (APO free too) over $30.
Here's the link just click HERE  and you'll be automatically directed to my site to order awesome priced stuff.

Now the CQ: My husband has CQ tonight meaning he wont be home till tomorrow, blah. But of course EVERYTIME your husband is gone something goes wrong.
Well so far in the year we've been married and the 20 something times he's had CQ, there have been severe storms here. Once there was a Tornado Warning/ Watch and I was flipping (because this California Girl knows NOTHING about any type of mother nature-ie thing except earthquakes), now we have flood watch. Not to mention my dog has peed in the house (who is already potty trained!) 4 times.

I broke down about 4 times today, and finally realized all I had to do was blog to feel better. So thank you for the blog readers I have, and for commenting and keeping my spirits high, and my mind filled with amazing advice and comments.
You (blog-o-sphere) are all the reason I am not in breaking down, anxiety attack mode.

Oh and did I mention my laptop is broken.. Sometimes it just feels like when its bad it can't get worse but does. When everything wrapped up and bottled inside just finally breaks you down continuously.

I've been so out of it, I missed 3 appointments in the last week.
But somehow In the last month 1/2 I have had:
2 Epidurals in my neck
1 set of 6 trigger shots
7 sessions of physical therapy
17 medication refills for the 17 medications I am currently taking.

What type of 24 year old is on 17 medications for pain, depression, anti-inflammatory and insomnia?