January 22, 2011


As I sit here in my bed reflecting about my day, I can't get the tears to stop. My eyes are bloodshot, my face swollen, and I'm in the classic broken down girl mode... Sweatpants, and a sweatshirt. As I took a shower earlier to try to calm down, I found myself on the floor in the shower crying, praying for everything to change. I never was the one begging  for change, or praying for a better relationship with my parents,a better marriage and a healthier life. I broke down, prayed for a better life and cried to God wondering why I was given a life with such struggles. As I find myself blogging about depressing things, I read blogs that are uplifting about amazing events going on in everyone's life. I want to be the uplifting positive blogger with all the amazing miracles happening. Children, anniversaries, date nights, ect.

I hate being the depressing blogger, upset about life, health and relationships. It's hard to find the positive, when your life continues to crash down.

Yesterday, I went to the pain doctor who gives me the epidurals. Since they aren't working we have to add another set of shots called a "trigger shot". It goes directly into the muscle with the pain, but these are between the epidurals, and physical therapy 3x week.

I think my husband is having a difficult time with my health problems, he isn't used to all the doctor appointments, procedures, and well.. No work. Which means more stress in the house about finances. I am not physically able to work, and that hasn't been exactly uh.. understood? With my husband being a drill sergeant, getting time with him is near impossible. And it's emotionally heartbreaking knowing your husband is so close but so far.

I decided no matter the pain I am in, I have to get a job. I am hoping by doing this the stress levels in our house will decrease.

What type of things help your relationship with your husband? How do you keep the "romance" going and the fighting minimum? What was your first year of marriage like? Any advice?

I want to be a good wife, without these health problems. I want to work two jobs so I can pay down debt, and release some of the tension. But it's impossible when I can barely stand up, have physical therapy 3x a week, and doctors appointment's about 4x a week. How can I put in towards the marriage when I can barely make it through a day.


  1. Is there anything you can do from home, maybe? Hope you feel better soon!

  2. First of all, I am so sorry you are in so much pain - physically and mentally. I do pray you get some sort of release. (You know, they say tears release a hormone that is supposed to help you feel better ;-) )

    As for the first year of marriage - it is a total adjustment period. What you need to do is relax, give your husband time to adjust. Give yourself time to adjust. Remind him - it is still you in there, and that just let him know how much you appreciate his strength.

    Take it easy with the working. What is the point of "killing yourself" to pay down debt. It's math, and debt will always be there in one way or another.

    Use this blog as a way to work through the process.

    PS - I am always writing about depressing things, lol = but when it's good - it's good. I think the sunny happy day blogs (every day) are "full of it." Life was never supposed to be easy - why should it? Just learn the lessons, hold on for a bumpy ride - and as you share your stories and pain here, you never know, you might actually help someone else.

    May God Bless you and give you peace.

  3. Oh, sweet lady! I don't have any advice, at all, but I wanted to leave you a little note to let you know that I'm sending good thoughts your way. *Sometimes* it's nice to know that those are coming from even the most random of places! Hang in there!

  4. Oh I'm so sorry :(. I hope things will get better soon. As for being the depressing blogger, I'm always that way haha. I always feel guilty about it too but this is your place to vent and to get support and to talk about whatever you want, so don't feel bad. There are people here who will be there for you...and ones who can just exit the page if they don't want to.

    My first year of marriage was pretty much crap, then the second one he was in Afghanistan. It's an adjustment and with the military, financial issues, family issues, school, and/or health problems, it just throws a bigger wrench into things. We fought a lot, and we're getting a LOT better but I still plan on going to counseling as soon as we can be together again (the Army is currently screwing around getting me put on his orders so I'm in PA while he's in Hawaii). Marriage is hard work. I'm sure he loves you and wants what's best for you and the marriage. Just make sure you talk to him openly about your feelings and what you need, and you'll figure out together what you need to do to keep everything going.

    Like someone else said, maybe find a job from home? Don't do anything that is going to hurt you and disable you further though.

    Just hang in there. Take care of yourself and your marriage, rely on God (by what you said in this post I'm assuming you do), and do your best and I think things will work out. I'm here if you ever want to talk, and I'll be praying for you :).

  5. Our first year sucked as far as all the things that happened to us. It was nothing but one thing after another; particularly our finances. If you can't work, you can't work. I can completely understand wanting to contribute and feeling like you aren't contributing. I have bipolar so I don't work myself. You can't see my pain and I take medication for it, but working? It's just something I can handle mentally for even short periods of time. Keep your head up. And don't worry about being depressing. Your blog is for your thoughts.

  6. Hi. I'm your newest follower from Say Hi Sundays! Your blog is cute and inspiring. Keep your head up and just know that there is always a chance for a better tomorrow!!

  7. Hey girl! my name is Rheanna, I'm a fellow military wife. I'm so glad to have found you through the surf hop today. Marriage is always an adjustment and certainly so is a military marriage, if not even more so. My husband and I have been married for seven years this year, and together for almost 12. I have found when we're stressed with outside situations it definitely increases the fighting, so to speak. Most recently we, or I, had some pretty horrific personal issues and that really increased my sensitivity and emotionalness. we decided to dedicate time every time after the kids go to bed to just "talking", and we also started a devotional and a bible study. We are considering going to a marriage counselor to help us with the tools to communicate our needs better if our attempts at "talking" don't work out. We both realize we have expectations, reasonable and unreasonable and with the high stress of my husband's particular job and the fact that he's hardly ever around and the two kids...well, there you go...doesn't add up well. Our marriage is by no means terrible and its really taken me more to understand that getting help isn't bad. sometimes you need a third party to help you communicate better. one thing that jumps out at me is the fact that your hubby might not be dealing with your physical issues well at all. Men are fixers and if they can't fix it they have a very difficult time understanding or dealing with it. I've experienced this first hand in my marriage. the fact that your illness isn't "understood" is a red flag to me that maybe you guys might consider getting some outside tools to help you. Because you getting a job might not be the answer either. whether you know it or not resentment could build as either your pain increases or your guys' stress levels don't come down. the job can't be the fix it all. I wish I had some other words to help you..sometimes its just time to circle the wagons and really bare yourself to each other.

    please stop by my blog and also I'm the admin of a forum with a couple of my girl friends. you should really come and check it out. i think you would love it and it would be a great help for you!



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